Here are some of the funny quotes from some of the world’s most famous comedians and writers. There’s no better way to start your day with a good laugh. Humor has been used for centuries to lighten the mood and make people feel better.
It’s also a great way to boost your creativity and make you more productive. The world’s funniest people have said some of the most hilarious things. There is a reason comedians are always topping the list of the highest-paid people in the world.
We all need a good laugh in our lives, especially when bad things happen or we’re feeling down. But sometimes it’s hard to find the perfect joke to make us laugh. That’s why we’ve compiled this list of the funniest quotes by comedians, writers, and more. So here’s a list of some of the most hilarious quotes from the world’s funniest people.
Sometimes when I close my eyes I can’t see anything.
Don’t worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender. – Homer Simpson
They said, don’t give up on your dreams. So I went back to sleep.
I might be annoying but at least my lock screen isn’t a selfie.
I don’t like myself, I’m crazy about myself. – Mae West
I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. – John F. Kennedy
Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies. – Oliver Goldsmith
Read More: Funny Birthday Quotes
How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans. – Woody Allen
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house. – Henny Youngman
He knows nothing, and he thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career. – George Bernard Shaw
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. – Will Rogers
When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you. And she never did. – James Fineous McBride
Read More: Words of Encouragement
Every day is a leg day when you are running away from your problems. – Priyanshu Singh
Children really brighten up a household – they never turn the lights off. – Ralph Bus
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. – Mark Twain
Arguing with a women is like reading the software license agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I Agree.”
Read More: Sunday Quotes
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. – Woody Allen
Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else. – Mae West
Best Funny Quotes And Sayings
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. – Woody Allen
In my house, I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision-maker. – Woody Allen
I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception. – Groucho Marx
There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong. – Surgeon
There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. – Mindy Kaling
Read More: Funny Senior Quotes
If you’re gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes – make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast. – David Brent
If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried. – David Brent
I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over. – Woody Allen
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here? – Billy Connoly
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. – Jack Handey
If the world were ruled by women then there would be no war… just couple of nations not talking with each other.
I’ve been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you. – Groucho Marx
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are. – Will Ferrell
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’ – Priyanshu Singh
I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well. – Dory
Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese. – Luis Bunuel
Read More: Family Quotes
I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom. – Bob Hope
Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts. – Lt. Frank Drebin
I always wanted to have someone, someone to love. And now that you’ve come into my life – I’ve changed my mind.
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself – like, for instance, he can’t find any clean socks. – Jean Kerr
Have you ever wondered what to say to someone to make them laugh?
It’s not always easy to come up with a funny one-liner. But if you want to make someone laugh, you might need to think outside the box.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. – Anthony Burgess
Does anybody know how to disable the auto-correct feature on my wife ?
By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. – Richard Dawkins
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
Women spend their whole life to find the right man just to tell him every day that he is wrong. – Priyanshu Singh
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner
Someone should open up a restaurant called “I don’t care”. Then we can finally go to that restaurant my girlfriends always talking about.
When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. – Erma Bombeck
My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush. – Bobby Boucher
Short Funny Quotes
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. – Oscar Wilde
A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school clothes.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. – Mark Twain
“What happens after you die?”
“Lot’s of things happen after you die – they just don’t involve you.”
When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the…
Mr. Right is coming. But He’s in Africa and he’s walking. – Oprah Winfrey
I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back. – Jimmy Kimmel
My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one. – Groucho Marx
Trust me, You can dance. Vodka
I’m not insane. My mother had me tested. – Sheldon Cooper
It is better to fart and feel the shame than hold and feel the pain.
I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. – Woody Allen
I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? – Chandler
Don’t drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill your drink. – Unknown
Mirrors can’t talk. Luckily for you, they can’t laugh either! – Unknown
Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room. – President Merkin Muffley
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller
Read More: Karma Quotes
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
Don’t talk about yourself so much… we’ll do that when you leave.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey
I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it. – Unknown
Funny Quotes On Life
A man who has never made a woman angry is a failure in life. – Christopher Morley
All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. – Priyanshu Singh
I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin
Read More: Self Love Quotes
Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. – John Lennon
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so waste your time and have the time of your life! – Unknown
Sorry about those texts I sent you last night, my phone was drunk.
My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana. – Rose
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. – Mark Twain
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. – Les Dawson
Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating. – Frank Semyon
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? – Robin Williams
Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave. – Quentin Crisp
I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.
Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
Be crazy, be stupid, be silly, be weird. Be whatever, because life is too short to be anything but happy.
Life is too complicated in the morning.
I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are. – Damien Fahey
Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’? – Neil DeGrasse Tyson
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. – Henry Youngman
I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later. – Mitch Hedberg
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’ – Steven Wright
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield
You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police. – Joan Rivers
Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician. – Adam Gropman
Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. – Ellen DeGeneres
My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne. – Tina Fey
Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever. – Pete
There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy. – Elise
The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize. – Clairee Belcher
As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. – Sir Norman Wisdom
What do you mean, he don’t eat no meat? That’s okay, that’s okay. I make lamb. – Aunt Voula
There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant. – Unknown
I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me. – Dr. Peter Venkman
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. – David Letterman
Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path. – Ellen DeGeneres
There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test. – Dowager Countess Violet Crawley
A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. – Graham Norton
Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry? – Shelley Darlingson
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’ – Unknown
Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over. – Jerry